Hi, I haven't posted in a while, as you can tell I don't do digital art, I'd like to, I just don't have anything to do it on as the computer in my room got taken out to be used as spare parts as I stopped using it, so that's the reason for no digital art, as for traditional art, I want to draw, I just have no motivation to do anything, there's a lot going on right now which only my close friends know about, even then they don't know completely, but I will explain as to why I have no motivation to draw or talk or to do anything.
So I came out to some friends a while ago, they asked me how long I've know, I said a few years, but when I think back, I've always known that I like girls a lot more than guys.
I'm getting bad again, like before when I last took a break from this site and generally the internet all together, I feel low more than I don't, I hate the way I look, that's for a reason, I have gender dysphoria. It means that I feel trapped in the wrong body and that I feel like what I have doesn't belong, my chest, even though it's small I guess and a girls chest, I feel like it's not meant to be there and I just feel uncomfortable with it. I know it might sound weird or stupid or some people might be judgemental towards me because they don't understand it, sometimes I don't understand why I feel like this, last time I feel really bad and I took a break from the internet was because of the same thing, only now, I understand it a lot more. Even though I know what it is and understand it a lot more than before, I still feel the same feelings I did before, I just hate the way I look, I hate having long hair, one of my friends at college loves my hair and every time I say I'm going to get it coloured or dyed, she says not to and how much she loves my hair. But I just hate it, the two thing I feel most dysphoria towards are my chest and my hair, and as none of my family know, I can't get a binder, I feel like if I did tell my parents, they'd freak out a lot, and I'm scared I'd get rejected and kicked out the house, I've had dreams some nights when I tell them, I get kicked out the house, I walk out onto a bridge, I climb on it, I start to fall back and that's when I wake up. I don't know how it would go if I told them, but I'm terrified of it and I'm not going to take the chance, when I'm 18 or when I can support myself, then hopefully I'll tell them, because I tell them and it goes horribly wrong, I feel like the dreams I've been having will become reality and it's so scary to think that it could become reality, I just don't want. I'm not in a great state of mind to be honest, and I guess emotionally I'm not stable. So hopefully things will get better, I don't want to go down the same road as last time, it was horrible, dark, sad, scary and it just felt like it'd be better if I want here. I know that's not true, but when I was like this last time that's what I thought and I don't want to get like that, not again, I've been there way too many times, some a long time ago, some not that long ago and I'm sorry for this rant/vent journal I just feel like I needed to write this as i find it difficult to say what I'm feeling and it just gets worse.